Not smart enough.

Not quick enough.

As a young girl the fear of being perceived as not smart enough, or not understanding fast enough hung over my head. I didn’t want to be perceived as not being a bright student.

At that time, I didn’t have words for what I felt but I know now know it was the fear of being perceived, the fear that someone has built up an idea of who I am from information they have read on a report card or a comment a teacher has made loudly about mixing my Bs and Ds.

In primary school, I distinctly remember being talked down to about things related to academics. I couldn’t spell to save my own life and my handwriting was practically illegible. As I progressed in my education it became clear to me that spelling and handwriting were not my forte. The teacher would say and I quote “You should have good handwriting, especially as a girl…. And if you have good handwriting the examiner can ignore your mistakes or think you are a smart student just by glancing at your paper”.

These early years framed how I saw and wanted to be perceived by others. I still don’t have good handwriting and spelling is still somewhat of an issue for me. This led me to question, all this for what?

But I digress.  

So, I decided that the only way for me to hack the system I’m already 2 notches down is to at least be clever.

In lower secondary, I quickly realized that I not only needed to be smart but I needed to be smarter than the boys. I had to work hard to get that A and understand math concepts twice as fast as I could.

Why??

 I couldn’t tell you I just needed to.

Forgetting the pact, I made with myself if you can’t spell or write you better be clever.

I give you this back story to give you the foundation I built my self-perception.

I’m now at university.

I knew that IT and tech is male-dominated spaces. When I entered my first lecture there was an equal distribution of male and female presence in the classroom. For a minute I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe I was set free from the shackles of toxic competition.

Little did I know it was just the beginning.

It was in the questionable look from my male friends and acquaintances,

“What course are you studying.”

 ICT you?

“Really ???”

Yah why?

“You just don’t look like an IT student”

 I brushed the comments a few times but I began to think. Wait what does an ICT student look like and why don’t I look like one?

Do they think I’m not smart enough?

Do I look like I don’t understand binary?

Do I look like I can’t program?

Later that semester in the library I met a friend, even before saying hi they looked at my computer screen and I kid you, not this was the first thing they said.  

“Wait you know how to code??”

Seriously !!!!

Did these people sit around thinking all I do is sit and twiddle my thumbs??

 Another memorable time is when we were in a hardware class and a computer motherboard was projected on the screen and the lecture told us to point out the CPU.

I like to participate in class, partly because it keeps me on my toes. But I had already answered two questions before this so I told my male friend the answer and I told him to point it out.

So, he went up front and pointed it out and he was correct.

When he came back to sit next to me at our usual spot.

He said “Nana, how did you know that answer, kumbe you know stuff”

I was too stunned to speak even the boy I consider to be my friend had a subconscious bias that even though we were in the same class every week I was somehow not learning.

I’m not saying I’m an Albert Einstein or anything but I know I worked hard to understand those concepts that’s why I was good at them. No one saw me comb through past papers, sleepless nights, and dedicated hours to studying.

And still, they couldn’t believe I was capable, told myself.

Every passing day the thoughts of inadequacy and self-doubt passed through my mind and they weighed me down. I began to question myself. Even when I worked hard for good grades, I would always feel one down. You should have gotten an A instead of a B+ or a B instead of a B-.

I subconsciously began to think that everyone thought I was somehow not unqualified for the course.

This made me so hyper-vigilant and sensitive to any comment or remark made towards my course regardless of whether it was a light joke or a directly disrespectful comment.

I was in fight mode.  

I’m not saying this was my experience with every person I’ve interacted with. It only takes one bad comment to ruin someone’s day. People are programmed to look at the negatives more than the positives and I’m people.

This was too much,

I had to find a way to get over this subconscious fear of everyone thinking I was stupid.

If you are a woman or person who struggles with this issue just like I did keep on reading.

I had to figure out a way to navigate this, it was slowly chipping away at my self-esteem, and confidence in my skills and capabilities. Now blinding me to my potential. I had to have a real one-on-one with myself and break down what is truth and what is just my overthinking mind running free.

How to fix this

• The ever-changing goalposts

Trying to get the best grades to prove that you are meant to be in the space is futile. You only exhaust and demotivate yourself. Trust me, been there and done that. I’m not a 4.0 student but I can say the trimesters I was working had to prove to my imaginary haters that I deserved to be in the school of engineering were the worst academic trimesters of my life.

There will always be someone better than you, if you are running in someone’s race, they are bound to win you will always be the loser.

This not only applies to academics, but this is also applicable to all life situations, run your race stay on your track and your victory won’t be dependent on someone else’s metric.

• You can’t change someone’s mind if they think you are stupid it doesn’t Matter

If an individual has already decided you are not supposed to be in the space move away from said person. Don’t stay in that place trying to convince them that you are worth it. You can be doing this subconsciously; you are not in full control of an individual’s perception of you, all you can do is present information about yourself and let them decide. Go find people who think you deserve to be here and support you in the ways they can.

• Find pride in your accomplishments intrinsically and share them with the people whose opinions matter

Shearing your wins with people who care about your growth is important, as human beings we love and need affirmation, and it’s important to us whether you like it or not. Go find people who celebrate your wins and pick you up when you don’t feel like you have reached your full potential.

Conclusion

This is all easier said than done.

It takes time to break down those thought processes. But I’m living testament that it is possible. It has been freeing and now comments that do not contribute to my growth slide right off. Now and then one or two hurt but I must remind myself.

Run your race and stay in your lane.

Your fear of being perceived is holding you back from experiencing life at its fullest

Run your race and stay in your lane.

Your fear of being perceived is holding you back from experiencing life at its fullest